::Fairy On The Moon::

Oh i talk about sincerity alot.
But i feel bad. U noe.
Its not for me the question u.
i feel bad. Coz i can say i care for u alot, but in reality, my actions show not, since each time we meet, or talk, i only keep hurting u more
Its true, that we throw shrads of glasses and sharp knives at each other..and someday someone's gonnna bleed dry. I know i have. But wounds will heal.
and i don't mean to hurt u. U probably don't believe me, coz each time again i keep doing it! but itsnot on purpose..i just don't know why? i can't help myself
Which is why i thought that really the best way ..is probably for me never to see or talk to u again. Or not for the time being. Not because i don't care. But because i don't want to hurt u anymore. And coz u will probably never wanna speak to me or hear from me anymore. Its tough for me. And everytime, i pick up the handphone, i jus wanna send a simple msg, to ask u how ure doing, to tell u that i'd always be there. to promise u i'd always care. But i can't. Because i don't dare to. And i know that one simple message. Wld probably leave more wounds..for u. because i know those simple words, are liable to cut u..to hurt u..to lead to something bad..i know those words of concern, wld probably end up where it started. It wld probably just end there. So i really don't want to hurt u anymore, to show u, i mean it when i say i care.
SO i resist the urge to sms
to msg
to speak
to think.
everything.
i can't u see. i can't. And it hurts. But i told u
most of the time..all my pain..everything. its self inflicted.
And its not ur fault. And there is no immediate solution.
Coz i just have to find an answer within myself
And no one can help me..but myself..since i caused it all.

behind ur tone of cheerfulness
i knew u were hiding something
but i didnt realise u were suffering from clinical depression
i didnt realise it was that serious.
And i'm sorry. I had to add to that.
I'm sorry i couldn't be there for u. when u needed me. Or needed someone
So i don't blame u for hating me
for doubting me
for never wanting to trust me again
If i could heal all ur wounds and take away ur pain, i swear i would. but i can't.
and when i found out abt ur depression..
i felt sad. Numbingly sad. Because i was helpless. i felt like my hands were tied behing my back, and i could only watch u suffer, while u masked it all behind a smile.
Its my fault this has happened.
If only i could help u
but i will
if u let me.
but im only afraid i'd harm u more then help.
But believe me. i would have wanted to be there.

dawn fairy on the moon at 6/13/2004

I was so glad to have a chance to talk to L-M last night.
Finally, we met up and Holland V after like SOOOOOOOO long, and had a really good chat like old times. and pigging out like old times. And crapping abt every single stupid thing under the sun, and of course..the serious stuff And im grateful..that u threw some light on my situation, and for once, i actually felt u were trying to understand. Which im so thankful for. I mean, i never really wanted to tell u what happened. I expect she must have told u already...but i guess i didnt know what to say, coz honestly, im not too sure what happened too.But u noe, its great to get at least a little off my chest. U noe how i always keep such stuff to myself. And im glad u saw my point and my side. I needed that.

But Honestly L.M, i suspected something wasn't right with her from the start.( not u) Oh, u noe how it is. How im really sensitive to such stuff. U know, i could already feel the tension, raw, and electrifying in the air. And she dismissed it as my imagination. But it turns out i was right. Everything felt, well, wrong, from the start. It's the little gestures, the facial expressions, the tone. And honestly i felt as though i was interrogated. I mean u can honestly tell me u treat me like an equal, and a friend, when it was quite obvious we were sitting on different ends of a see-saw, and she was up, and i was down. I felt like low life really. Like i admit. i felt threatened. Uneasy. Defensive. Threatened. And she has never made me feel this way before. I never thought someone i had trusted so much wld actually make me feel. Scared. Make me feel like i wanna protect myself. Make me feel like i needed to get out
And honestly i said. I was scared. Of people like her. People i come to trust, so much..it makes me vulnerable. And boy that feeling sucks. I hate feeling vulnerable. I hate feeling exposed. I hate feeling like there's nothing there to cover me up. And u were right. Me and her, we were on different wavelengths. I was talking abt one thing, and she was onto another. And the issues.

I meant it when i said i expected that she wouldnt understand
But the truth is, i never needed her to understand, coz i noe its impossible.
it was something i desired in the past. but i could never hope for anything so unrealistic anymore. but i don't feel so bad abt it. and neither should she, coz its not her fault. I can't expect her to understand me, when i don't even understand myself.

dawn fairy on the moon at 6/13/2004

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

i know i am a contradiction. I know this
because i admit. I am one confused individual here. forever conflicted. No, im not trying to act cute or be funny. i mean it.
You say you can't understand my double meanings, my symbols. But then why does everything i have to say have to have a double meaning. If i tell u exactly how i feel, and i give u the truth, u wldnt believe me. Like i spoke to you today, with words from my heart. but you did not believe.

Yes. I fear people like you. Not because u r bad. im scared because i become vulnerable. And then someone is likely to hurt me. Its just like how i spend 3 hrs really pouring out my heart to you, and all you can say is "bye". Maybe even "you suck", or even "fuck off" may have been better. But Bye. Oh. See what i mean? i bottle up my whole self and give it to you, and u take away everything. leaving nothing. and then u ask me to tell u everything. i already did. And u threw it back in my face. SO why don't you tell me what's the point?

but since we keep throwing knives and shards of glasses at each other, eventually someone is gonna bleed dry. And then u were right to turn around and leave. Before one of us bleeds to death. But what you don't know is, im already dry.

i admit most of it is my fault..its self inflicted pain..these wounds? i carved them myself, and no one keeps hurting me more, then myself. When i say its not you, i mean it. im serious. It's really not ur fault. It's mine, it's something i have to deal with everyday and live with.

its funny how u tell me everything is a contradiction, and then u contardict urself too. Maybe now ur wondering, why does this have to keep happening? Because everytime, when we try to give it another try, u will act so enthu and everything, but how do u reallie feel? do u reallie tell me how u feel? no. Im not an idiot. I can feel, and i can sense. I know when its real and when its not. i may not be right all the time. But i know each time i try to make up and try to make things right, its only a hald hearted agreement on ur side. Because you don't want to hurt me. Because u don't want to disappoint me. And its nice of u to think that way, really i do appreciate this. But in ur heart u already know since its half-hearted and u never truly mean to make it work, or u just say it coz u wanna be nice, u noe its gona end up like this again. Same old way. We argue. We disagree..someone gets unhappy. We talk. We get angry. we hurt each other again. And we stop speaking. And the cycle starts again. I know ur tired of this shit. and all the cycles. and everything. So maybe if u didnt try to be so nice the first time, and maybe told me to "fuck off" or something..it may have even been better. It may hurt more then, but in the long run, i guess we're saving each other more pain.

do u understand why this is happening? everytime we start to talk again, i start to gte hopeful again. And i really believe things can work out, and i start to get overexcited and overdo things..till sometimes i cross the line. then u get unhappy, and i get unhappy..and yay. we fight again. There are so many issues to resolve. And u wanted to talk to me. And after 3 hrs of talking, you just simply tell me "Bye". I won't say its ur fault. its ur personal choice. But i did hope u wld at least say something else. See the problem with us talking m and "thrasing" out issues each time, is u never give me an answer. U keep telling me u wanna noe wad im thinking. Well I wanna noe what YOU are thinking! u never ever tell me u realise? ive been giving u as accurate and as sincere an account as i can from my heart, but what do u tell me? Nothing. because u don't trust me. How can u expect me to trust u when u dont trust me either?

It dosent really matter what i say now see? because you won't believe me. You say u will empty ur head and heart and listen, but have you? if u really did you would not turn away. But i could not expect u to empty ur head and heart anyway. Who would ever be unbiased and unprejudiced? No one but God. i tired the best way i could to tell u everything in a way i could in 3 hrs. U may not have liked what i said. Even tho u dont say a word. U keep remaining silent, and expect me to read u like a book. If u hate the way i use symbols and double talk, coz u dun understand me, its the same way i feel abt ur silence, everytime i speak. then ur answer is silence. How would i know what is bothering u if u gather everything up then drop it on me. U keep accumulating things, till it snowballs like this..and eventually it will fall, and kill someone.

i dont noe waht else to say. I tink im even more confused and frustrated now so i am ranting and ranting so forgive me. I know not what i say. Because i am just lost. i look at the look in ur eyes, and it already tells me everything. I have never seen so much anger there before.

u keep apologizing for hurting me. U keep saying u noe u hurt me the most
I keep apologizing for hurting you. And i keep saying i noe i hurt you most
i guess we were more similar then we thought.
maybe we shouldnt apologize anymore
or maybe we shouldn't hurt each other anymore.
its either way i guess.

but if ur so frustrated and such now, and upset. ..and so taken in by prejudice ( if)
then do me a favour, and don't rememeber me this way. But remember me the way i used to be. Don't remember the bad, and try please try, the remember the good only. SO at least u will have a better memory to keep. And if u should forget all the good, its ok. it dosent matter. All u need to know is

"i care."

i really do
and even if u dun believe it. some facts cannot be changed
I may be helpless, i may not noe what to do now. And conflicted. but i still care.
if u forget everything else, at least just remember that.
thats the least i owe to u.

dawn fairy on the moon at 6/02/2004

its alright if you hate me.
i deserve it anyway.

dawn fairy on the moon at 6/02/2004